Conflicted

Posted on January 30, 2007

I’m so conflicted today. I haven’t wanted to go anywhere since shul. I just want to stay home, read to my children, read to myself, sleep, read blogs. I’m supposed to be somewhere tomorrow and I don’t want to go. I really don’t want to go. But I’m obligated to give another woman and her child a ride and my youngest will benefit from this, too. I just don’t want to leave the house.

So much of me is saying stay home, curl up, feel protected, safe. But I keep checking blogs, mine and others, for new material, comments, some sense of interaction. I don’t know how much I really want to isolate. Or if I want only safe interaction. I just don’t know.

That urge to curl up and hide away is so strong. Lose myself in a book or a movie. I’ve been making sure I get up and dressed, comb my hair, eat, brush my teeth. I’ve managed some time for prayer when I didn’t end up sobbing. But the thing I want most is a break from the world.

Yesterday, my husband told me about a conversation he had with a mutual friend at shul on Shabbat. He’d told the friend I was going through a fairly deep depression. The friend asked if he could help and my husband said just knowing people cared helped. Then my husband said when this had passed, they (he and his friend) were probably overdue for a drink.

I asked him where my drink was for making it through this. I hadn’t even finished the question when my mind came back with, you don’t get a drink. You just get to stop feeling so sad. Stop complaining. Can’t you see what a drain you are on him? Of course he needs to get out and vent.

It just hurt so much to think that. It still does. Even though my husband assured me I wasn’t a drain, I’m not so sure I believe him. If I am a drain, then my taking a break from the world would be in everyone’s best interests. I don’t want to be a drain, a liability, the proverbial wet blanket. If I could snap myself out of this, I would. In a heartbeat.

It’s been a week now since this got bad. I want the hurting to stop. I want to stop draining everyone and contribute something instead. I want to stop seeing myself as damaged goods. I want a break.

3 Comments

  1. Jack Steiner

    Rivka,

    Makes sense to me.

  2. Rivka

    My science teacher in seventh grade had a sign just below the clock that read, time will pass; will you? 🙂

    Thanks, Jack. It is an hour by hour thing. This is the sort of stuff I’ve purposely kept inside, never shared. I don’t even tell my husband. I want to do it differently this time.

    If I’m going to be honest about how I’m feeling, I have to give voice to all of it, not just the things that might make for good reading. That’s the part of the blog that’s for me first. And if others get something out of it, it’s icing on the cake.

  3. Jack Steiner

    Sometimes all we can do is take it hour by hour. If you let it time will pass and so will this.

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