The past 24 hours have gone so well that I was really hoping this was it. Now I’m not so sure.
My husband is at a training seminar and has a class tonight so I’m on my own today. I was worried about coping, about some other more mundane things going on in my life, and I wound up barely dozing between 3 and 5 this morning. I don’t feel tired. Just like a failure.
I received word that the parent of a friend of mine died and though shiva doesn’t begin until next week, she would like visitors. The pain surrounding my father’s death is still fresh, still not processed I guess, but this friend was one who was there for me then. The least I can do is be there for her, so I’m going to visit this afternoon. And even though I’m very comfortable with her, it scares me. I don’t know how well I’ll hold up. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to give.
I was finally able to return to some work today and it felt good to have that bit of control. But without going into details, I have to deal with a lot of competition. Every time I see someone else’s success, I’m really happy for them because I know how much work had to go into their success. At the same time I’m sad, because I wonder if I’ll ever share it.
The depression takes that and twists it all around, that I don’t deserve success, that my faults are too many, that I’m simply not good enough.
At least I think it’s the depression. I hope it’s the depression, because if it’s not, that means all these things I don’t want to believe are true.