Sometimes I think that I could make a video of my life with all the high points (marriage, birth of my children) and low points (like this past month) and I think about what music I’d pick to go with the video.
I do actually have a collection of songs that I use to motivate myself and unfortunately they have not worked so far but that might be changing.
One of the movies I lost myself in late last week was The Devil Wears Prada. One of the songs in the movie stuck in my head and even though I couldn’t remember any of the words and didn’t know who sang it or anything, it seemed important. I tracked it down tonight and the song is Suddenly I See by K.T. Tunstall. It is not, I found out, on the movie soundtrack.
Then I looked up the lyrics and it seemed terribly appropriate especially because the piece that kept playing over and over in my head was, “Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see) This is what I wanna be.” That made me think about how a bad depression kind of gives me a chance to rebuild myself as I come out of it. What do I want to be? I know the hospital would ask the same thing. What am I going to do when I get out? If I went in in the first place.
There’s more I want to say and one of the commenters that I’ve already picked on said something that made me realize I am not nearly as free of the destructive messages I learned from my parents as I thought I was. B’li neder, I will write about that more shortly.
My concentration continues to be not so great and I am still terribly tired. I was concerned it was a side effect of the medication but my husband thinks not and doesn’t want me to lower the dosage until I’m fully out of the depression. He is afraid it will come back and I don’t blame him. Too many things still terrify me, just thinking about them. But I have started to think about things I’d like to do, which I was not doing last week. I don’t have the energy or really the motivation yet but at least I am thinking about them.