I called my counselor today. She only had a moment when she returned my message, another client was waiting, but she created a new appointment for me next Wednesday. By then I should know if the medication is working.
Today I was trembling all day, anxiety trapped in the confines of my body. I can still focus on a task. I remember how much painting helped after my pregnancy loss, so I started to paint my kitchen. It is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am doing small sections at a time. Today I primed one half of one wall.
This weekend is a big one for my oldest child, with a major school program on Sunday. A smaller program is tomorrow afternoon, part of welcoming Shabbos. He is nervous because he is performing. I am nervous because I need to hold myself together.
You all are right: my perspective is flawed. Even the way I see myself in the mirror is skewed from what it was a couple of weeks ago. I do not like what I see.
My friend D called tonight to see how I was doing but I was too tired to talk long. Another friend came over this afternoon and helped with my kitchen while we talked.
I want to hide from shul but I will not. I need to face this. It doesn’t have to be a repeat of last year or the many years prior.
I am still anxious and scared and worried the crash is coming, but I am trying my best to use my coping skills to get through the minute, the hour, the day.
Waiting for what, I do not know. Perhaps it’s as simple as peace. I wait and cope, hoping that peace will come soon.
Just wanted to poke my head to say that I hope you are hanging in there.
edited for accidental double posting.
I have been thinking of you. I think it is brave of you to have this blog and to share with it’s readers the troubles you have had both emotionally and within a kehilla.
i am an orthodax jewish woman, diagnosed with severe, recurrent major depression, and can relate to much of what you’re written.
you are a source of inspiration to me. thank you.
Thinking of you. Remember that hopelessness is the faulty logic mechanism. The reality is that hope is always alive and things will get and feel better soon.
Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. Can you go with a friend to your child’s school?
Everyone Needs Therapy reminded me that everyone needs sunshine. Maybe a walk around the block will help a bit.